I didn’t start the Zuckerberg controversy, that was started by Google in 2008, but I ENDED IT with my amazingly successful Facebook posts. And I really have to congratulate myself on my successful winning with that, and the truly amazing things I was able to accomplish for the American people by being so successful and making social media great again.
Believe me folks, IT’S JUST UNBELIEVABLE, you just can’t believe what people out there are saying about me. The support out there for me is tremendous, it’s TREMENDOUS, believe me. You just can’t believe the great things I’m hearing about myself from the little people out there about how great I am. It’s tremendous, UNBELIEVABLE. Believe me. And it’s not just about me, it’s also about what I’ve been able to accomplish with one amazingly successful Facebook post after another. Just one winning post right after another, UNBELIEVABLE, unbelievable the tremendous success I’ve had. It’s just tremendous what I’ve been able to do for myself, and what people are saying about the tremendous success I am. And I’ve had that success, because unlike a loser like Mark Zuckerberg, I HAVE A WINNING TEMPERAMENT.
But, you know what folks? I don’t care about me. I care about you. Believe me folks, it’s true. I just have a fiduciary responsibility to myself to promote myself and continue to be such a great success.
Look, I was smart, I was really, really smart, and a lot of people give me credit for that, a lot of people out there give me credit for how smart I am because I knew how to take advantage of the rules of Facebook to make myself a total, total success, an unbelievable success. And I was able to be such a successful winner on Facebook because I know the Facebook system better than anyone, and that’s why I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN FIX IT.
Believe me. Right now Facebook is a TOTAL DISASTER, but I will fix it and I will fix it really, really quickly, so that Facebook can start winning again and become great again. Right now Facebook is just a disaster, a TOTAL DISASTER, you just can’t believe what people are telling me about it. Believe me folks, it is just a TOTAL DISASTER. African Americans, Latinos, their posts are just being shot down by marauding TROLLS all over the place, a TOTAL DISASTER. The worst it’s ever been in human history. THE WORST. Unbelievable. This Mark Zuckerberg, he’s been there, he’s been on Facebook for like thirty years and he’s done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, A TOTAL DISASTER. Zuckerberg is just a total disaster. Zuckerberg is a RACIST, a BIGOT, a RAPIST, a MURDERER, a TOTAL DISASTER. And his wife looks like a PIG, like some kind of cheap, Chinese PIG, it’s just disgusting the way she looks. I don’t even know if she’s a 2. I’m married to a 10 and he’s married to a 2, if she even is a 2. Unbelievable. And he doesn’t even look like a CEO—am I right folks? Does Zuckerberg look like a CEO? He wears hoodies to work. It’s disgusting. It’s unbelievably disgusting. When I’m in charge of Facebook I’m going to have a social media police that are going to prosecute Zuckerberg and put him in jail. I am going to lock Zuckerberg up in jail, LOCK HIM UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY. And then I’ll make Zuckerberg pay for the key I just threw away. You just can’t believe what I’m hearing out there about how angry people are about what a disaster, a TOTAL DISASTER, Zuckerberg’s been. Right now, for the blacks, Facebook is just a TOTAL DISASTER. And that’s why I told the blacks WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? And you know what? They believe me. You just can’t believe what I’m hearing out there about how much the blacks support me on this and with everything. Believe me, it’s true. And the Latinos, and the women, the little women, it’s just unbelievable how much all the little women out there love me and support me. When you’re a star it’s just like that, the women love you. It’s unbelievable. As soon as they see me they just start kissing me and they can’t stop. I don’t even have to use Tic-Tacs because THEY JUST CAN’T STOP KISSING ME. I don’t even have to use Tic-Tacs to have total success with the kissing, but I use them anyway because NO ONE RESPECTS WOMEN MORE THAN ME. Even women don’t respect women as much as me. The truth is folks that women aren’t even capable of respecting themselves as much as I respect them. They’re just not capable. That’s just the way it is, believe me. I’m hearing from a lot of people out there that it’s just not that easy to respect women because most of them just can’t get the job done, but I respect them anyway, I respect them far more than they are even capable of respecting themselves. A lot of them can’t get the job done, and if they do, you know what folks, they actually expect to get paid for it as much as a man. UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE. They’re always getting pregnant and missing work and they still expect to get paid like men. Can you believe that? Give me a break. And most of them aren’t even 4s but I respect them anyway. No one, no one, respects women the way I do. They just need to lose some weight—-OK, a lot of weight, and then I’ll respect them even more. I respect women so much I even let my super-hot daughter Izapka become a woman and a lot of people out there give me tremendous, tremendous credit for that. I love women and women love me even more, far more, but you know, what I hear from a lot of you out there is true, a lot of these women, like Hillary Clinton, are like these little motor mouths, who just can’t stop running their mouths, yaddda-yadda-yaddda and it’s just all words and nothing gets done. But I respect them anyway. Most women, the vast majority of women aren’t even 5s, not even close to being 5s, but you know what folks? I respect them anyway. But right now for the women, and for the Latinos, right now Facebook is a TOTAL DISASTER, but I’m going to fix it folks, believe me, I’m going to fix Facebook, and make it great again and I’m going to do it really, really quickly.
See also: Can Post-Trumpocalyptic Retrocausation save Mankind which also contains links to my other articles about the 2016 election