Real People Suck-An Imaginary Persons Manifesto


Consider this my pre-election special. You probably already know that after months of intensive lobbying by the McCain and Obama campaigns the coveted zaporacle.com endorsement has gone to Barak Obama.  For more on the present political situation and why Real People suck please read the following.

Real People Suck:
An Imaginary Person’s Manifesto
© 2008, Jonathan Zap
Elitist Imaginary Person and World Government Federation Chairman, Jonathan Zap

“Real food for Real People.”

—-Ad slogan for Nutrisystem, a company that sends pre-packaged diet foods to subscribers through the mail.

(What Real Food looks like.)

Teal People at Burning Man, 2008  photo © Jonathan Zap

(I greatly prefer the company of Teal people to that of Real People.)

We tend to take the sun for granted, as well as many of our greatest blessings.  I know that I have been guilty of taking for granted one of the greatest blessings of my life, that I am not, nor have I ever been, a Real Person. Through some divine grace that can never be fully explained, I was given the opportunity in this life of being an Imaginary Person.

For all the hardships and dark threads woven into this incarnation, I need to give thanks to the divine force for allowing me experiences on a daily basis that Real People can scarcely imagine, experiences such as thinking for myself, reading books, and being able to notice the parasitic puppet masters and their mind-control factories pulling the strings of the swarming masses of Real People.

As an Imaginary Person I know instinctively from my core that the Babylon Matrix is more of a “reality show” than the only incarnation channel playing in the multiverse. Like most Imaginary Persons, I realize that I live in a world where there are spells of deception woven all around me, and where there are primate hierarchies, hierarchies often ruled by some besuited monkey who is dominated by the reptile part of his brain to seek dominion over me and everyone.  As an Imaginary Person who has taught in public schools for fourteen years, I have experienced that many schools are like slow motion assembly lines in florescent lit factories where standardized tests measure the productivity of these factories to churn out successful runs of Real People, the sort of people the Babylon Matrix can make use of.

Real People, Can’t Live with Them, Can’t have a Babylon Matrix without Them

“I want to appreciate those of you who wear our nation’s uniform for your sacrifice.” –George W. Bush, Jacksonville, Fla., Jan. 14, 2005

I might be able to live with Real People, except for one thing—Real People have Real People Values, and that’s really, really scary.  For example, one of the highest of Real People Values is to revere any member of their nation’s military regardless of who they are and what they have done. One of the dozen or so thought forms allowed to Real People is:  “I Support the Troops!” In other words, if you’re a Real Person, you support groups of guys wearing uniforms and carrying weapons, who obey orders instead of thinking for themselves and choosing their own actions.

To a Real Person, it is obvious that people who put on uniforms, obey orders, and kill other people on command are made of finer stuff than people pursuing other occupations.  Real People don’t seem to notice that people in other countries also support their troops, and may also believe that they are backed by God.  Real People are able to pray to Jesus for the victory of a particular football team, while Real People on the other team are also praying to Jesus. Since Real People don’t deal with those kind of contradictions they are, without question, the very best people to train for mass killings.

Recently we have learned that Real People have “small-town values.”  At the Republican National Convention, Sarah Palin said, “Small-town Americans continue to be the moral grounding of America.”   Having grown up in New York City, I am, of course, a moral imbecile with no values, and so I immediately sat up and took notice when the Daily Show sent out a team of reporters to the Republican National Convention to investigate what exactly small-town values are.

Video: http://vodpod.com/watch/991826-daily-show-helps-us-understand-small-town-values

Correspondent John Oliver asks a woman named Regina what small-town values are and she confidently states,

Regina: “I am from a small town so I can tell you exactly what that means.”

John Oliver: “That’s what I’d like you to do.”

Regina: “It’s real people, real values, uh, common sense.”

John Oliver: “Could you be more generic?”

Regina: “What we talk about that’s political on our kitchen, breakfast table is—“

John Oliver: “It’s a nook.”

Regina: (conceding the point)  “It’s a nook, OK.  Is that America is awesome.”

Correspondent Jason Jones approaches a man with the same question.

Man:  “Small-town values.  It means traditional marriage and um, uh, uh, uh . . . help me out here.”

Jason Jones:  “I can’t.”

Man:  “No, you can’t, huh?  I’d say church.”

Jason Jones:  “Which church?”

Man:  “Church, Christian Church. Christian Church”

Jason Jones:  “So the other ones just—“

Man:  “No, no, no I mean Jewish Church, Christian Church.”

Jason Jones asks another man at the convention what small-town values are and he replies,

“Marriage is between a man and a woman, that is a small-town value.  Small-town values are common sense values.  Conservatives believes, believed, in things that makes sense.”

Jason Jones: “So you have nothing against homosexuals?”

Man:  “Gays have all the rights that they want. All they gotta do is marry a person of the opposite sex.”

Jason Jones asks the question to another man and he replies,

Man: “Small-town values means not locking your door at night, you’ve got a tractor in the field, a cow in the barn, 1950s America.”

Jason Jones: “I hear you there.  What do you do, what do you do for a living,  pal?”

Man: “I’m a lobbyist.”

This periodical, published exclusively for Real People in the UK, gives some further insight into Real People Values:


Real Baby store in Colorado (people with Imaginary Babies have to enter by back door)

Real People can be Red or Blue

“Any customer can have a car painted any color that he wants so long as it is black.”

— Henry Ford on the Model T, a Real Car for Real People .

“Any consumer can be any color they want so long as it is red or blue.”

—The American Body Politic on what colors a Real Person can be, circa 2008.

Although the Republican Party dramatizes itself as the party of Real people, it has not, however, gained exclusive rights to Real People. For this reason it employs the celebrity Real People tactic and coins a new person-shaped logo: “Joe the Plumber®.” But increasingly the Democratic Party has cultivated its own Real People constituency.  AP’s Nedra Pickler writes about the Democratic National Convention and Obama campaign’s controversial claims that “real people will appear” at the Denver convention: ( http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080820/D92M12JO2.html )

“An Indiana railroader, an Iowa mother and a Michigan truck driver are getting a moment at the Democratic convention to help portray Barack Obama as the people’s champion and counter GOP characterizations of him as an out-of-touch celebrity.

The idea is for these ‘real people,’ as the campaign calls them, to share personal stories about why they are supporting the Democratic presidential candidate and how they think he will help folks like them . . .

Real People also will be featured at an event Tuesday alongside Michelle Obama . . . professional speechwriters are helping prepare their remarks . . . And just like any senator or other VIP speaker, an assigned staff member will oversee their schedules and logistical movements, including media interviews, speech coaching and on-stage rehearsals.”

The elevation of these specially selected Real People to almost Celebrity status begs the question:  What is the connection between these two species—the Real People and the Celebrities?

Tadpole into Frog, Frog into Prince—When a Real Person gets to Metamorphose into a Celebrity
In certain privileged cases, Real People are allowed to cross the species barrier and become Celebrities.  Celebrities are another species, a major branch off the Babylon Matrix Puppet Tree of Life.

(See: CELEBRITIES ARE HOT, YOU ARE NOT )

If you are a Real Person you accept Celebrities as the alpha or dominant species, and model yourself on their every word and gesture.  If a Celebrity is found on television to be wearing uncomfortably tight pants that expose the midriff, a Real Person will be only too glad to purchase and wear such uncomfortably tight and midriff-exposing pants themselves.   If a Celebrity on television tells a Real Person to jump, their thought is,  How high? And their next thought is, What can I buy to be more like you?

It is only a few, very, very lucky Real Persons who are chosen each year to cross the species barrier and metamorphose into a Celebrity. The most reliable way for a Real Person to metamorphose into a Celebrity is to murder several persons in a newsworthy way. Another way for a Real Person to metamorphose into a Celebrity is for a Celebrity to choose to bestow the divine spotlight of Celebrity upon them.  Such a canonization occurred recently when the maverick renegade Celebrity, John McCain, bestowed Celebrity status on the supposed Real Person: Joe, the Plumber®.  Joe the Plumber® whose pre-Celebrity name was Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, was an actual Real Person discovered in a burst of maverick second-sight by John McCain. The fact that it turned out that Joe the Plumber® was not an actual plumber, only seemed to seal his status as an authentic, actual Real Person.  Real People don’t believe in an Elitist practice like self-scrutiny.  If a Real Person believes he is a plumber, he isn’t going to get all psychological and psychoanalyze himself to see if he really is a plumber.

Real People—Outspokenly Living the Unexamined Life

“I only look in the mirror when I’m shavin’.”

—Federal Celebrity, George W. Bush, who was almost elected president twice by Real People

Real People know that they’re Real People and, therefore, don’t need to waste time in self-examination. If Socrates were a Real Person, his most famous saying would be: “Don’t know thyself.”  Leading an unexamined life allows you to have passionate beliefs without all the trouble and uncertainty of thinking.  In his poem, “The Second Coming,” William Butler Yeats concisely compared the difference between the Imaginary Persons of his day and Real People:

“The best lack all conviction, while the worst / Are full of passionate intensity.”

According to William Butler Yeats, whenever the Real People take over, “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; / Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, / The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere / The ceremony of innocence is drowned.”

OK, we’re used to that. But there’s also a negative side when Real People take over.  According to William Butler Yeats, “A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun, / Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it / Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds. / The darkness drops again; but now I know / That twenty centuries of stony sleep / Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle, / And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, / Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” Actually, I guess we’re pretty used to that too, a couple of recent presidential elections come to mind, but you get the idea.

The point is that Real People are never slowed down by needing to think before acting.  A typical Real People thought form is, “Shoot first, ask questions later.” And, as any manly-man Real Person knows, the asking questions part can be postponed indefinitely.  A Real Person lives in a crystal clear, black and white, low-res world. Sarah Palin, a Celebrity that Real People would love to be ruled by, put it this way,

“We don’t have to second-guess what their efforts would be if they believe . . . that it is in their country and their allies, including us, all of our best interests to fight against a regime . . . It is obvious to me who the good guys are in this one and who the bad guys are . . .”

In a speech on Iraq to an audience of Real People at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008, Sarah Palin said,

“Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That’s what we have to make sure that we’re praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God’s plan.”       ( Watch video clip )

When you’re filled with the passionate intensity of knowing that you are right, it wires you to confidently go on military missions without batting an eyelash.  As Sarah Palin describes it,

“I answered [McCain] ‘yes’ because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink.”

William Butler Yeats describes that unblinking commitment to victory this way:

“A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun, / Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it / Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds . . . / The darkness drops again.”

Real People aren’t going to have their unblinking reaction speed slowed by reading books, which are so often filled with imaginary persons. Why bother to read books when you can read one book, THE BOOK, a book actually written directly by God to tell Real People everything they are allowed to think and do.

Since Real People already know what they are supposed to think, they don’t have to waste years of their lives like Imaginary Persons do educating themselves.  Since they already know what to do, they can get busy with “Real Life.”  Real Life involves doing real stuff like drinking the same Budweiser beer that the Real People on television drink, or settling down to a fine NutriSystem® dinner as you watch a reality show on television by yourself.  The best part of your NutriSystem® dinner are the commercials when you get to see happy families eating together at McDonalds.  As a Real Person, you know what Real Life® really is: It is nothing less than the unexamined life of the Babylon Matrix; it is being a comfortably numb cog in the factory of deception.

To be Real means being a numbcog fully formed by the Babylon Matrix, and fully controlled by it.  To be fully Real within the context of a deceptive matrix means that you are a person-shaped automaton fully formed by spells of deception. Fundamentally, Real People are “Sheeple,” Sheeple that are being herded by various banality-of-evil type bureaucracies, government and corporate, toward various cliffs. Most Real People are of the move along, move along , move along, shuffling forward numbcog-type Sheeeple. But there are also vast numbers of a more virulent type of Sheeple, a Sheeple on steroids if you will. These Alpha Sheeple are filled with a passionate intensity for their programmed deceptions, and would like to metastasize the tragic magic of the puppet masters so that it riddles and controls the entire world. Other than that the Alpha Sheeple wouldn’t be so bad, they’d just be more themselves, which means that they would be nothing less than a flimsy lattice of self-deceptions built on a vast foundation of mind-control machinery.  The resulting structure is like a jungle gym made of PVC piping and very loose bungee cords.  The jungle gym is covered with a few PVC tarps, and each of these tarps has a moving picture layer laminated to the PVC, a layer that is a mosaic of advertisements and fragments of television. Press on this flimsy structure from any angle and it easily bends and distorts. When seen walking down the street, such a structure presents itself on the exterior as a person-shaped amalgamation of obnoxious habits. Inside the person-shaped exoskeleton hums a low RPM motor. The motor runs on a low octane gas of junk food residue and pharmaceuticals. Revolving in the motor with medicated slowness are the goofy loopings of junk food thought forms.

Conversely, to be Imaginary means that you are not fully formed or controlled by the Babylon Matrix. At least some of the time, an Imaginary Person will have independent thoughts, thoughts not fully scripted by the BM.  From the point of view of the BM, Imaginary Persons are illegal subroutines that have deviated from their original programming.  Such deviations threaten the stability of the operating system and should, therefore, be shut down.  Ideally they should be caught by an automated virus scan and removed as soon as they appear.

The Imaginary Person exists within the body politic as a mutant splinter, an irritating point of mutagenesis. Naturally, Real People will respond immunologically to Imaginary Persons, so let the Imaginary Person beware when they are in the company of Real People.  Cloaking is often the best strategy for an Imaginary Person when they must travel as a stranger in a strange world.

At other times, an Imaginary Person may choose to accept the danger of high visibility.  An Imaginary Person shifts the matrix around them.  They are like Avatars in a world of mostly computer-generated characters. Deceased Imaginary Person George Bernard Shaw said,

“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world. The unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. All progress, therefore, depends upon the unreasonable man.”

In other words, “The Real Person adapts himself to the matrix.  The Imaginary Person persists in trying to adapt the matrix to himself.  All evolution, therefore, depends upon the Imaginary Person.”

An Imaginary Person is what J.R.R. Tolkien called a “subcreator.”

Imaginary Persons are, therefore, an elite species, especially when compared to a mechanical species such as the Real People. Would you rank Avatars as in the same class as computer-generated characters?  Nature is hierarchical.  And in the hierarchy of person-shaped species, Imaginary Persons are of a higher level of development than Real People.

This is dimly recognized by Real People, who will process this recognition in their Decepticon Version 1.0 mental processor. After processing, the recognition turns into a contemptuous accusation: Imaginary Persons are Elitists! This is a classic, self-contradictory Real People deception spell.  If we look at the underlying code we find goofy thought loops like :  Elitists are the scum of the earth and not fit to live in the same land of freedom that I do. In other words, my anti-elitism makes me part of an elite that is far superior to those contemptible and inferior elitists.

A Real Person has no more trouble swallowing such tautologies than a hungry dieter has trouble swallowing their NutriSystem® Salisbury steak dinner. A Real Person can make a judgment like, “It’s wrong to be judgmental.”   They find no contradiction in judging nonjudgmental folks superior to judgmental folks.

The unthinking comfort level that Real People have with contradictions can sometimes make inexperienced Imaginary People look on with envy, and lament that they would have been better off as a mechanical creature themselves.  For example, in T.S. Elliot’s The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, the painfully self-conscious Imaginary Person J. Alfred Prufrock says, “I should have been a pair of ragged claws / Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.”

A more mature Imaginary Person, however, realizes that being a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. An awakened Imaginary Person gratefully appreciates not being one of the swarming masses of Real People.  They are also able to recognize other Imaginary Persons and form alliances with some of them.

An awakened Imaginary Person like Jake Chambers (a young interdimensional traveler in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series) knows, “that there are other worlds than these.”  The awakened Imaginary Person knows that the particular form he inhabits is merely a set of Mortal Corporeal Version 1.0 parameters defining body type, age, and gender. A fully awakened Imaginary Person realizes that they are, at their core essence, a changeling or shape-shifter.  The Babylon Matrix reality show assigns them certain mortal parameters, but the show, and therefore the parameters, are always temporary.

By contrast, Real People are fully identified with their body type, age, and gender.  They are also identified with the swarming masses of Real People from their assigned clustering, their particular hive.  One way for the awakening Imaginary Person to observe this is to get into the habit of examining advertisements very closely. An advertisement is usually an overt spell of deception, and to the person able to analyze such spells, it is like an exotic spider caught in a bottle.  You actually get to see how Real People are programmed and what sort of mind parasites are implanted in their minds by the black magicians.

For example, if you slow down and really listen to some of the fast-talker type radio and television ads you’ll notice that there is a throwaway phrase used more commonly than any other,

“ . . . Millions of people just like you . . .”

This black magical phrase is a subliminal cue to Real People: Herd up!  Other Real People are running toward that cliff right over there, you should too!

As an Imaginary Person, when I hear “ . . . Millions of people just like you . . .” it’s like that moment when you are listening to a cheesy song on an old record player and someone scratches the needle across the whole width of the record.

“ . . . Millions of people just like you . .

I’ve never met one person just like me, and I would be horrified if I discovered that there were millions of people just like me.  Why would I even bother getting up in the morning if there were millions of people just like me?  I would rather let the millions just like me take care of it. But a Real Person can swallow “ . . . Millions of people just like me . . .” as easily as they can swallow that first juicy morsel of NutriSystem® Salisbury steak.

I guess I’ve never outgrown that phase of wanting to look at strange creepy-crawly things inside of glass jars, a kind of horrified curiosity.  If you share this sort of curiosity and can get past the squeamishness, then we can shine our flashlights at some of the squirming mind parasites that live in the heads of Real People and are now preserved for us in amber glass jars.  I am referring, of course, to some of the collected sayings of George W. Bush, a man who Real People once revered as a cross between a Messiah and an action figure come to life.  What validates our examination is the basic principle that the words spoken by a person-shaped creature reflect the quality of thinking within the person-shaped creature.  Nowhere is this principle realized more perfectly than in the case of Federal Celebrity, George W. Bush.

George W. Bush, Real People Prophet and Philosopher-President

With typical confidence W asserts,

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

But we don’t have to wait till he’s long gone to see what happened inside the head of this person-shaped creature, which is still, as of this writing (Oct. 21, 2008), occupying the Oval Office. Also, as we look inside the Dubyah head, it will be like looking at a fractal or a hologram where the small part recapitulates the whole; we will also be seeing into the Decepticon Version 1.0 mind in general, the core of Real People.  Once we’ve pierced the Dubyah Mind, we will know as much as we need to about what makes Real People tick.
To be fair, you should also have an opportunity to pierce the mind of a socialist/terrorist/ elitist like myself, and since I’m obviously jockeying to be a Messiah, or at least a self-appointed spokesperson for Imaginary People you can turn the tables on me and have the whole rest of my website to examine at your leisure.  I would particularly like to point out a “meta-philosophy” (does it get any more elitist than that?) I created called “Dynamic Paradoxicalism” as an alternative to the absolutist thinking favored by Real People.
See: Dynamic Paradoxicalism——-the Anti-ism Ism .
The Bush quotes excerpted here are courtesy of about.com which has a special section entitled Bushisms . Like any narcissist, Dubyah is an act I can’t resist wanting to follow.  So I’d like to point out that my friend Rob Brezsny put together a collection of Zap Quotes , or Zapisms if you will.


OK, so why don’t we all take a couple of deep breaths. If you’re of the New Age persuasion visualize yourself surrounded and shielded by white light , immune to all negative influences.

If you are of the techno-geek persuasion visualize putting on any top quality HAZMAT suit equipped with SCBA (self-contained breathing apparatus) and aluminized flash-fire resistant coatings such as the Tychem RF600T Reflector Suit , and join me for a guided tour of the mind of Dubyah. I know that doesn’t sound like much fun, but as of this writing we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, unless Dick Cheney declares martial law; the Dubyah presidency is almost over, and just in case he’s forgotten by history I want to immortalize him by providing this memorial to his thinking on my website.  Also, even though he may soon be an ex-decider, we will still be living in a country with a sizeable Real People population and, as I’ve already pointed out, Dubyah thinking is Real People thinking.

A Guided Tour Inside the Mind of Dubyah

Dubyah is a man who stands by his words. Like Real People everywhere, he is a plain spoken, straight-talkin’ kind of guy.   As Sean Hannity says of him:

“He says what he means, and means what he says.”

Dubyah agrees,

“Anybody who is in a position to serve this country ought to understand the consequences of words.”

–George W. Bush, interview with Rush Limbaugh, Nov. 1,         2006

“I think it’s very important for the American President to mean what he says. That’s why I understand that the enemy could misread what I say. That’s why I try to be as clearly I can.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004

But he also says,

“A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and tell you what’s not on their mind.” –

–George W. Bush, Sochi, Russia, April 6, 2008

Dubyah knows the value of words and has created many of them:

“I’ve coined new words like misunderstanding and Hispanically.”

–George W. Bush, speaking at the Radio & Television Correspondents dinner , March 29, 2001

Like any good speaker, he is always aware of his audience:

“I can only speak to myself.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., April 28, 2005

He knows the value of metaphor to illustrate points:

“I think — tide turning — see, as I remember — I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of — it’s easy to see a tide turn — did I say those words?”

–George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

And he knows the value of repetition, especially for Real People:

“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”

–George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005 ( Listen to audio )

Psychoanalyzing yourself is for elitist pussies; a Real Person knows who they are:

“I’m also not very analytical. You know I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.”

–George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

“I’m not really the type to wander off and sit down and go through deep wrestling with my soul.”

–G eorge W. Bush, as quoted in Vanity Fair , October 2000

Real People, like Dubyah and Sarah Palin, know that the world is composed of good guys and bad guys. Facts aren’t shades of grey or complex, they’re as easy to sort through as selecting the white cowboy hats from a mixed pile of white and black cowboy hats.

“When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they’re there.”

–George W. Bush, Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

“Joe, I don’t do nuance.”

–George W. Bush to Sen. Joseph Biden, as quoted in Time , Feb. 15, 2004

“In other words, he was given an option: Are you with us or are you not with us? And he made a clear decision to be with us, and he’s acted on that advice.”

–George W. Bush, on President Pervez Musharraf, Crawford, Texas, Nov. 10, 2007

Real People are filled with passionate certainty and for a good reason—they know they’re right:

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”

–George W. Bush, in Rome, July 22, 2001

“If you don’t stand for anything, you don’t stand for anything! If you don’t stand for something, you don’t stand for anything!”

–George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

But sometimes the lady doth protest too much:

“I’m gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I’ve read — I understand reality. If you’re asking me, as the president, would I understand reality, I do.”

–George W. Bush on abortion, MSNBC’s “Hardball,” May 31, 2000

“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”

–George W. Bush, in response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

It’s hard to fool a Real Person because they know what they know, and they know that what they know is right:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on – shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”

–George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 ( Click for video )

Because Real People have a gift of certainty and don’t need to psychoanalyze themselves, they’re never going to fall into an unconscious projection like what elitist psychiatrist Carl Jung called “shadow projection.”  A Real Person can call a spade a spade, and since there’s neither a mote nor a speck in his eye, he can call out the specks in other peoples’ eyes without making Freudian slips that comically reflect a huge unintegrated shadow personality.

“The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off.”

–George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 ( Watch video clip or listen to audio )

“See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don’t attack each other. Free nations don’t develop weapons of mass destruction.”

–George W. Bush, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

“The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I’ve looked at. I do not believe we’ve put a guilty … I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas.”

–George W. Bush, NPR, June 16, 2000

“I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.”

–George W. Bush, June 18, 2002

A Real Person knows who they are, their sexuality is not in question, and therefore it doesn’t spill out of their unconscious:

“Who could have possibly envisioned an erection — an election in Iraq at this point in history?”

–George W. Bush, at the White House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005

Real People have perfect identification with their gender. For example, former head cheerleader, Dubyah, is a man’s man, and he knows it (or does she?):

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”

–George W. Bush, Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You’re doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That’s where you started practicing? That’s good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”

–George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

With such perfect self-knowledge and certainty, Real People are natural leaders. Although all Real People are equal, some are more equal than others, and Dubyah is the most equal of all, a take-charge commander guy:

“The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear — I’m a commander guy.”

–George W. Bush,

“I’m the commander – see, I don’t need to explain – I do not need to explain why I say things. That’s the interesting thing about being president.”

–George W. Bush, as quoted in Bob Woodward’s “Bush at War”

“My job is a job to make decisions. I’m a decision — if the job description were, what do you do — it’s decision maker.”

–George W. Bush, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

“I’m the decider , and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 ( Listen to audio clip ; Watch video clip )

“I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I’m going to be the president of everybody.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 18, 2001

“If this were a dictatorship, it’d be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I’m the dictator.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000 ( Listen to audio clip )

“Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life.”

–George W. Bush, Annandale, Va , Aug. 9, 2004

Since Real People are Christians, as leaders they are always on guard for the sin of pride and are steadfast in their humility:

“I aim to be a competitive nation.”

–George W. Bush, San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006

As natural leaders, Real People know how take on responsibilities other people just can’t handle:

“There’s only one person who hugs the mothers and the widows, the wives and the kids upon the death of their loved one. Others hug but having committed the troops, I’ve got an additional responsibility to hug and that’s me and I know what it’s like.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 11, 2002 .

A Real Person leader has the clarity to know that actions mean consequences:

“In my judgment, when the United States says there will be serious consequences, and if there isn’t serious consequences, it creates adverse consequences.”

–George W. Bush, Meet the Press, Feb. 8, 2004

A Real Person leader takes decisive action:

“When I take action, I’m not going to fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit a camel in the butt. It’s going to be decisive.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2001

Although poised for decisive action, the Real Person leader also recognizes the value of diplomacy:

“I can look you in the eye and tell you I feel I’ve tried to solve the problem diplomatically to the max, and would have committed troops both in Afghanistan and Iraq knowing what I know today.”

–George W. Bush, Irvine, Calif., April 24, 2006

A Real Person leader has his own unique vision of Leadership:

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”

–George W. Bush, Bartlett, Tenn., Aug. 18, 2000

Above all, a Real Person leader knows the value of trustworthiness:

“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”

–George W. Bush, in a CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

A Real Person knows that God gave him the heavy burden of leadership so that he could achieve success and be a winner. And when it comes to success, to mission accomplished, winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.

“We’re kicking ass.”

–George W. Bush, to Australian Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile on the security situation in Iraq, Sydney, Australia, Sept. 5, 2007

“So long as I’m the president, my measure of success is victory — and success.”

–George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008

“I’m hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure.”

–George W. Bush, Jan. 18, 2001

“The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.”

–George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006 ( Watch video clip )

A Real Person lives in the Real World, not the elitist world of history:

“I think we agree, the past is over.”

–George W. Bush, on his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

“You know, sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past.”

–George W. Bush, on what he told Russian president Vladimir Putin, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal, June 25, 2001

“One of the things important about history is to remember the true history.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 6, 2008

“There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world.”

–George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008

“My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era of peace in the Pacific.”

–George W. Bush, who apparently forgot about a little something called World War II, including memorable episodes such as Peal Harbor, dropping atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, etc., Feb. 18, 2002

As a Real Person, Dubyah knows what is right, and therefore he doesn’t need to listen to a bunch of elitists who study history and speak in complete sentences :

“There’s a lot of blowhards in the political process, you know, a lot of hot-air artists, people who have got something fancy to say.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007

“I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, ‘Mr. President, here’s what’s on my mind.’ And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device, I decide, you know, I say, ‘This is what we’re going to do.'”

–George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

Socialists, Elitists, Socialist- Elitists and the terrorists they pal around with, are forever misunderestimating Real People:

“They misunderestimated me.”

–George W. Bush, Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

“The folks who conducted to act on our country on September 11th made a big mistake. They underestimated America. They underestimated our resolve, our determination, our love for freedom. They misunderestimated the fact that we love a neighbor in need. They misunderestimated the compassion of our country. I think they misunderestimated the will and determination of the Commander-in-Chief, too.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2001

Real People know as much about the non-American part of the world as they need to:

“What I’m suggesting to you is if you can’t name the foreign minister of Mexico, therefore, you know, you’re not capable of what you do. But the truth of the matter is you are, whether you can or not.”

–George W. Bush, as quoted in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Nov. 6, 1999

“Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.”

–George W. Bush, in a press conference with Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien , Sept. 24, 2001

“We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.”

–George W. Bush, who has apparently demoted Africa from its long standing continent status, at a news conference in Europe, June 14, 2001 ( Listen to audio clip )

“As John Howard accurately noted when he went to thank the Austrian troops there last year…”

–George W. Bush, referring to Australian troops as “Austrian troops,” APEC Business Summit, Sept. 7, 2007

“But I also made it clear to [Vladimir Putin] that it’s important to think beyond the old days of when we had the concept that if we blew each other up, the world would be safe.”

–George W. Bush, May 1, 2001

Real People know as much about cultural differences as they need to:

“I couldn’t imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.”

–George W. Bush, at a White House Menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001 ( Listen to audio clip )

“Brie and cheese.”

–George W. Bush, to reporters, on what he imagines reporters eat, Crawford, Texas, Aug. 23, 2001

Dubyah is also well aware that slaves were motivated to come to America because of their steadfast religious faith and belief in freedom:

“It’s very interesting when you think about it, the slaves who left here to go to America, because of their steadfast and their religion and their belief in freedom, helped change America.”

–George W. Bush, Dakar, Senegal, July 8, 2003

A Real Person knows as much as they need to about government.  For example, Sarah Palin says,

“A Vice President has a really great job because not only are they there to support the president’s agenda, they’re like the team member, the teammate to that president, but also they’re in charge of the United States Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom, and it’s a great job and I look forward to having that job.” (see Video )

Dubyah is also no slouch when it comes to understanding the branches of government as covered by any high school civics class:

“The legislature’s job is to write law. It’s the executive branch’s job to interpret law.”

–George W. Bush, Austin, Texas, Nov. 22, 2000

“They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program.”

–George W. Bush, Nov. 2, 2000

Real People understand the economic forces that control them, but none of them so well as our first Harvard MBA President, George W. Bush:

“Let’s make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., June 2, 2008

“Recession means that people’s incomes, at the employer level, are going down. Basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004

“And so the fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there’s jobs at the machine-making place.”

–George W. Bush, Mesa, Arizona, May 27, 2008

“Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table, whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It’s kind of muddled. Look, there’s a series of things that cause the — like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate — the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those — if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.”

–George W. Bush, explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005

“Haven’t we already given money to rich people?  Why are we going to do it again?”

— George W. Bush, to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by Paul O’Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002

“We’ve tripled the amount of money – I believe it’s from $50 million up to $195 million available.”

–George W. Bush, Lima, Peru, March 23, 2002

“We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 4, 2001

“My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we’re going to run out of debt to retire.”

– – George W. Bush, radio address, Feb. 24, 2001

“Dick Cheney and I do not want this nation to be in a recession. We want anybody who can find work to be able to find work.”

–George W. Bush, 60 Minutes II , CBS, December 5, 2000

“It’s your money. You paid for it.”

–George W. Bush, LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

“A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.”

–George W. Bush, The Edge With Paula Zahn , Sept. 18, 2000

“The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money.”

–George W. Bush, Westminster, Calif., Sept. 13, 2000

“It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.”

–George W. Bush, Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

–George W. Bush, Reuters, May 5, 2000

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”

–George W. Bush, Greater Nashua, NH, Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

With equal clarity, Real People leaders understand the energy crisis and what to do about it:

“The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants.”

–George W. Bush, Jan. 14, 2001

“Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2000

Real People understand the vast complexity of the web of life, of our interdependence with the natural world:

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

–George W. Bush, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 ( Listen to audio clip )

“Just remember it’s the birds that’s supposed to suffer, not the hunter.”

–George W. Bush, advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, NM, Jan. 22, 2004

Learnin’ (what elitists call “education”) is a Real People family value:

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?”

–George W. Bush, Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000

“Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004 ( Listen to audio clip )

“I want it to be said that the Bush administration was a results-oriented administration, because I believe the results of focusing our attention and energy on teaching children to read and having an education system that’s responsive to the child and to the parents, as opposed to mired in a system that refuses to change, will make America what we want it to be – a more literate country and a hopefuller country.”

–George W. Bush, Jan. 11, 2001

“It’s important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It’s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet.”

–George W. Bush, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

“I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.”

–George W. Bush, second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 20

It ain’t just learnin’, readin’s important to Real People as well:

“I said I was looking for a book to read, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares . . . I’ve got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list.”

–George W. Bush, interview with NBC’s Brian Williams, New Orleans, La., Aug. 29, 2006 ( Watch video clip )

“I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what’s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003

“One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.”

–George W. Bush, Jan. 3, 2000

But it’s not just learnin’ that makes a Real People leader, you’ve got to be versatile as well:

“I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands.”

–George W. Bush, on how he can contribute to the Middle East peace process, Washington, D.C., Jan. 4, 2008

Real People have quality, Real People relationships:

“As you know, these are open forums, you’re able to come and listen to what I have to say.”

–George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003

“I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them then I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president.”       –George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Feb. 1, 2006

“My relationship with this good man is where I’ve been focused, and that’s where my concentration is. And I don’t regret any other aspect of it. And so I — we filled a lot of space together.”

–George W. Bush, on British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007

Because Real People are so well grounded in the Real World, and because they have quality relationships with other Real People, therefore they are great judges of people and can look right into their souls:

“I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy . . . I was able to get a sense of his soul.”

–George W. Bush, after meeting Russian President Vladimir “Vlad, The Polonium Impaler” Putin, June 16, 2001

And that concludes your tour of the mind of Dubyah and the way Real People really think. You can probably sell your imaginary pad Tychem RF600T Reflector Suit on an imaginary version of Ebay.

On the morning I was finishing this manifesto, I took a break and played an episode of The Daily Show I had recorded from the previous day, Oct. 20, 2008, and found that it was all about the Realness issue and focused on the Celebrity Queen of the Real People, Sarah Palin, and gives many examples of her classically Palinolethic thought process.

John Stewart begins by playing a recording of Nancy Pfotenhauer, a John McCain spokesperson, explaining how Colin Powell’s endorsement of Barak Obama didn’t matter much because he’s from Northern Virginia.

Pfotenhauer:  “I certainly agree that Northern Virginia has gone more Democratic, but the rest of the state, Real Virginia if you will, I think will be very responsive to Senator McCain’s message.”

John Stewart (a little later in the show):  “So, even if John McCain doesn’t win the “election” in “America,” he’ll still be president of Real America, the America that matters.  The one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from.”

(Roll Sarah Palin recording.)

Palin: “We believe that the best of America is in the small towns that we get to visit and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call real America, being here with all of you hard-working, very patriotic, very pro-America areas of this great nation.  This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans, those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our wars for us, those who are protecting us in uniform, those who are protecting the virtues of freedom.”

From somewhere in the heart of Fake America, this is Elitist and Imaginary Person, Jonathan Zap, signing off . . .


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