copyright future mega celebrity Jonathan Zap

Celebrities rock. Celebrities are number one, numero uno in my book and I’m sick of all these media types trying to make scandals to bring down celebrities. It’s jealousy, that’s all it comes down to. Media types are just celebrity wannabes. Let’s face it, celebrities are hot, little people are not. As a future mega celebrity myself I’m gonna come out and say what all of us feel in our hearts, but most are too politically correct to admit. Celebrities rock. Everybody’s wet dream is to be a celebrity and if they can’t be a celebrity they want to get fucked by a celebrity, and if they can’t get fucked by a celebrity then they at least want to get ruled by a celebrity as governor or president.

Like that governor race in California—who wants to be ruled by some wimpy politician when they can get a true mega celebrity like Arnold Shwarzenegger? When I grab the latest People magazine I don’t want to read about some little boy with leukemia nobody ever heard of. I go right for the articles on the hottest celebrities. I’m sick of these pretentious media types always going on about Iraq blah blah blah blah Israel invades Syria blab blah blah blah like anybody’s really thinking about that when it’s barely been 72 hours since JLo and Ben Af got back together again. These celebrity wannabe news anchors do all that Iraq blah blah blah because of just one reason—jealousy. They know just as well as any of us that JLo is one of the hottest celebrities of all time, so just to spite her they do all that Iraq blah, blah, blah. They just don’t want to admit that celebrities are hot, and that they are not.

That Ted Turner, a quasi celebrity at best who got dumped by Jane Fonda, a top celebrity back in her day, is jealous of real celebrities, so that’s why CNN is the Iraq blah, blah, blah network. If it wasn’t for jealousy CNN would be what the people really want—The Celebrity News Network with celebrity news 24/7. I’m sick of these knee-jerk liberal types who try to pretend that everyone is created equal and that the so called little people are just as important as celebrities. NOT. If everybody is created equal then someone needs to tell these jealous nitwits that celebrities are more equal than others. They’re just jealous because celebrities are hot and they are not. If they’re so equal then why don’t they try a game of one-on-one basketball with mega celebrity Michael Jordan? Why don’t they try to out sing and dance hot mega celebrity Justin Timberlake? Or even try to do math homework better than a paralyzed quasi celebrity like Stephen Hawking? Please. Celebrities kick ass, and little people pass gas. If I had any doubt in my mind of my status as a future mega-celebrity I couldn’t even stand to look at my face in the mirror. Quasi 19th-century celebrity Fredrick Nietzche said, “If there are gods, how can I stand it to be no god?” As a 21st-century future mega-celebrity I say if there are celebrities then how can I stand it to be no celebrity? To paraphrase quasi celebrity FDR: “There is nothing to fear, but the possibility of not being a celebrity itself.” Or as former mega celebrity JFK put it, “Ask not what celebrities can do for you, ask what you can do for celebrities.” Or how about super star celebrity Jesus Christ who said, “What if a man should gain his own soul, but lose all world-wide recognition?” Jesus knew that it was better to be crucified by jealous celebrity haters than to live longer but die in obscurity with the little people. Jesus knew that even when a mega celebrity like Michael Jackson undergoes a melt down, their nose is still more interesting than the entire lives of a million little people. Jesus wasn’t afraid to be a celebrity even though he knew that little people would persecute him out of jealousy. Jesus was the first celebrity to really get it about branding and logos. Last time I checked there are more references to Chrisitanity and more crosses on all sorts of products world-wide than even mega celebrity corporation Nike, and the cross icon beats out the Nike Swoosh in both longevity and sheer numbers hands down. And when it comes to viral marketing, Christianity literally wrote the book. That’s super star celebrity power for you rockin’ down the centuries, rockin’ down the millennia in the case of Jesus Chirst Super Star Celebrity. So next time some little guy or gal is blah blah blahing it about their own dumb little lives tell them to get with the program, tell them to shut up and listen to the all star cast, tell them that no one in a world with red hot celebrities like JLo and Jesus wants to hear little people yakking. So next time a mega celebrity like Arnie Schwarzenegger sacrifices a really happening movie career to give little folk a chance to live under celebrity rule let’s stand up to these jealous media types who just want to tear down our greatest celebrities with dumb scandals. (Like those little women weren’t dying to get groped by MR. UNIVERSE himself. Please.) You’re either with the celebrities or they are against you. Together we can make a new world order where celebrities get what they truly deserve and we smoke those little people out of their holes. Asta la vista little folk. Rock on celebrities. United we stand.

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