Dateline: Washington DC reported by Jonathan Zap
President Bush announced today that Agent Smith will relace Dick Cheney as running mate in 2008. In a bold move expect to reinvigorate Bush’s flailing reelection bid, Dick Cheney will be replaced by Agent Smith on the Republican presidential ticket. The President made the surprise announcement to members of the press attending a brief Rose Garden ceremony during which the President signed into law the controversial No Big Oil Cartel Left Behind bill. Following the signing ceremony Bush made the announcement in what appeared to be an unscripted moment in which he mixed some of his metaphors, “While we’re all thinking about health issues I want to inform you that for health reasons Vice President Dick Cheney has asked me to withdraw him from consideration for a third term. It is with the greatest pleasure and confidence in his future role in our administration that I have asked Agent Smith to join our team and step on board
as running mate.” The President spoke warmly of their “many shared values” and stated that he had long intended to find a key position for Agent Smith in his administration. Agent Smith joined President Bush at the podium wearing his trademark dark suit and sunglasses so well known to millions of moviegoers who have seen any of the trilogy of Matrix films. “Agent Smith has the tough minded, disciplined and relentless approach we need to face the touch challenges ahead of us. His great knowledge of technology will help this administration continue to pave the way into the Twenty-First Century and an ever brighter future for our
families and most cherished corporations.” said President Bush. Agent Smith, speaking in his characteristic slow and over-ennunciated cadence, thanked the President for his selection and remarked, “The American people know that there are two lives that lie before them. One life clings to the past with an excessive preoccupation with civil liberites, freedom of expression and individuality. The other life involves boldly striding forward into a technologically advanced Twenty-First Century. One of these lives has a future, the other one does not.”
The President’s selection of Agent Smith as running mate is part of a burgeoning trend of popular celebrities entering politics. Critics of the Bush administration, such as New York Democratic Senator Charles Schumer, immediately criticized Bush and his nominee. “I see a huge conflict of interest here,” said Schumer at an impromptu news conference, “it is well known that Agent Smith has close ties to the Zero-One Corporation and the Matrix which are known to have an agenda of global domination of the human race and employ deceptive holographic simulations to keep human beings under the control of a giant computer network.”
A spokesperson for the Bush administration dismissed the criticism as irrelvant and partisan, “This is a typical example of Democrats playing devisive partisan politics in an election year. The American people are smarter than that. It should be obvious to anyone who saw Matrix Revolution that Agent Smith has become increasingly independent of the Matrix. Governor Schwartzneger is well known to have connections to Skynet, a rival computer network seeking domination of the planet, but that has not kept him from serving with distinction as Governor of California.” said the Bush administration spokesperson.